The Power Dynamics - Why do narcissists turn even ordinary challenge into personal wars?
- Matei I.
- Aug 31, 2025
- 6 min read
Updated: Sep 5, 2025
Why are the narcissists always in a competition with everyone around them?
Why do they appear energised by them?
Why do they react so uncontrollable around a real competition or no competition at all?
In this article, I am offering a brief but detailed, high resolution explanation which can serve as a guide into power dynamics in narcissistic relationships. This can also help you better understand why some explanation tend to sound like they are finding excuses for abuse or evil. Ultimately, this article can be used as a guide in pattern interpretation refinement.
External vs Internal Drives
At the root of human striving lies a difference in how individuals relate to power.
Power-over is hierarchical. It is defined by opposition, comparison, and dominance. Its grammar is victory, rank, and recognition.
Power-with is cooperative. It is defined by alignment, stability, and shared strengthening. Its grammar is truth, harmony, and mutual betterment.
This distinction forms two orientations of motivation: external drives and internal drives.
External drives are anchored in the visible and measurable: victory, ranking, recognition, fame, money. They play out on the stage of competition, where meaning is created through contrast. To compete is to invent a field of hostility: It's me vs you, us vs them. This is not always malicious; it can be playful and consensual, yet it still implies someone must lose. For those driven by external benchmarks, this tension provides energy, purpose, and belonging.
Benchmark: Growth appears clear, quantified in scores, ranks, or victories.
Conflict: An opponent becomes necessary; resistance provides means for better performance.
Unpredictability: Not knowing the outcome excites, further supplying the thrill.
Energy: Adrenaline acts as fuel, producing a sense of vitality or feeling alive.
Connection: Bonds form through rivalry, mutual striving, and shared victories.
The external mode therefore signifies power-over: individuals connect through contrast and hierarchy, finding meaning in the tension of competition.
Internal drives are oriented differently. Their focus is truth, growth, mastery, harmony. They originate in the self, yet they move toward reality as it is, not as a game. Artificial conflict seems wasteful, even draining, because it asks one to expend energy where no real necessity exists. Motivation here is not to escalate but to stabilize; not to prove, but to align.
Benchmark: Growth is measured against inner standards of mastery and clarity.
Conflict: The impulse is to resolve rather than escalate, preserving stability.
Stability: Predictability is valued over thrill, resolution over escalation.
Autonomy: Goals are chosen freely, not imposed by rivals or circumstances.
Energy: Resources are conserved and directed intentionally.
Connection: Fewer but deeper bonds form, rooted in stability and shared betterment.
This mode signals power-with: meaning arises from harmony and alignment rather than contest.
At first glance, this orientation seems paradoxical. If internal drives thrive on what is deeply personal, why do they appear so objective in intention and action? The answer lies in what they aim at. External drives are subjective in nature: they construct games, invent rivalries, and measure worth through recognition. Internal drives, though personal in origin, reach toward what exists beyond the self.
Truth-seeking requires correspondence with reality, not preference.
Harmony cannot be invented; it must be established with what is already there.
Mastery is tested against the structure of a discipline, not the presence of rivals.
Betterment necessarily involves others, because stability and truth extend into relationship.
Thus, the paradox resolves:
Internal drives begin subjectively (an inner impulse), but they direct themselves toward the objective (reality as it is).
External drives begin subjectively as well (the need for validation), but they construct their own subjective frameworks (games, ranks, titles) to supply meaning.
External drives thrive on the measurable and shared; internal drives on the difficult to measure yet universally binding. One speaks the language of contest, the other the language of alignment.
It is important to note that being driven by external drives is not equivalent with being disruptive, evil or narcissistic; but it seems rather that narcissistic individuals are more likely to be controlled by their drive.
How does the narcissist opperate?
Narcissism, as examined through the same lens can be called the extreme expression of external orientation. This way, the only way to measure the world is through recognition and validation. The narcissists strive on power-over dynamics because these competitions, games, etc provide the sole base for their identity, and not because of inherent strength. They are more likely to cheat even at their own games to maintain the identity. Their identity is formed on external benchmarks like admiration, victory and comparison; therefore their orientation has to be fundamentally subjective: identity coming from invented games, staged achievements, self-image idolatry, etc.; and does not arise from correspondence with reality. And as we know that most masks hide the opposite of what it shows: what appears outwardly as confidence is fragile inwards and lives solely on constant confirmation. The internal mode of operation which is responsible with seeking truth and alignment is absent or silenced as it could easily shake their identity. This may mean an opposition to this kind of feeling in awareness. Therefore, narcissism is represented by the collapse of inner orientation into the purely external, and therefore connection functions only as a mirror and does not signal stability or betterment. This is why their way of competing with people around them or their loved ones left the victims traumatised by the nature in which the competition is taken. It feels like its survival. And since it is survival, everything is permitted, or at least using their most common rule: until blood is spilled everything is permitted.
Benchmark: Without external validation, the self feels empty. The identity is measured based on status, recognition, admiration and self-image serve / idolatry.
Conflict: Opposition is no longer fuel, it becomes necessity. The world splits into two: the ones who serve you and the rivals. Since comparison is one of the main sources, if not the only measure, the absence of conflict threatens the narcissist.
Unpredictability: The thrill of normal people becomes here deep insecurity. As the narcissist's identity depends on the outcome, not knowing it becomes scary. There, the impulse to control and manage kicks in which is what makes them more prone to cheating and taking unfair advantages.
Energy: Rather than being fueled, the narcissist is drained be the constant battle to maintain the image. This is where they may feel powerful, as every challenge to the image becomes a threat, so they must be powerful for defeating so many threats.
Connection: Bonds become instumental. They are but mirrors which reflect the desired image, being dependent on the constant admiration and validation of the narcissists.
Narcissism / Excessive external = vainglory, pride, love of praise (external collapse).
Excessive Internal = isolation, rigidity, sterile solitude (internal collapse)
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and when such people keep bothering you, remember their usless efforts. Feel free to ask your questions in the comment section.
“Again I saw that for all toil and every skillful work a man is envied by his neighbor. This also is vanity and a chasing after the wind.”
(Ecclesiastes 4:4)
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