Understanding the Intersection of Narcissism and Addiction: Why do I go back to the narcissist?

Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse: Understanding the Addiction

Leaving a narcissist is often one of the most difficult decisions a person can make. You finally recognize their intentional harm—whether through infidelity, emotional manipulation, or financial deceit. Despite their broken promises, you choose to walk away for good. However, this decision is accompanied by a whirlwind of negative emotions, sometimes even manifesting as physical pain. You find yourself reminiscing about the good times, questioning their character, and ultimately, reconnecting with them just to ease the agony—only to restart the cycle. Why do we return to a narcissist despite knowing their abusive nature? Understanding the answer to this question is crucial, and today, I will share my insights.

A Personal Journey of Healing

Greetings and welcome to my inaugural article on narcissistic abusive relationships. I have launched this project out of a profound sense of responsibility to share the insights I have gathered during my healing journey over the past few years. Through this platform, I aim to provide an understanding of toxic relationship dynamics, share therapeutic insights, and offer strategies for permanently breaking free from narcissistic abuse. My goal is to equip you with the tools necessary to identify toxic individuals early and prevent re-entering abusive relationships. I will be publishing articles on various topics, as well as exercises and mental well-being tips. You can also email me at stories@toxicdynamics.com to share your experiences. I will create future analyses based on these stories to help you and others better understand and navigate similar situations. This service is completely free and confidential, including future courses and exercises I plan to develop.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse: Why We Stay

Why do we remain with a narcissist even when we fully understand the reality? To put it differently, what attracts us to abusive partners? Today, I will share my personal experience to explain what truly occurs when you attempt to leave and why addiction plays a crucial role in this dynamic.

Leaving a toxic person is akin to a journey from point A to point B. As soon as you exit the relationship, you experience an overwhelming urge accompanied by feelings of abandonment, anxiety, and a fear of never finding love again. This urge is intensified due to a trauma bond—an emotional addiction to the abusive cycle of love and hate. You struggle with cognitive dissonance, holding two opposing beliefs at the same time: They love me, they hate me. Your idealized view of the relationship is based on the narcissist’s manipulation, creating what is known as the "shared fantasy space."

In these moments of distress, your brain seeks a solution or its supply. You feel confused, stressed, and in pain. It recognizes that reconnecting with the narcissist will bring immediate relief. Contacting them, whether through calls, messages, stalking their social media, or unblocking them, momentarily alleviates your withdrawal pangs. This cycle continues until you finally break free.

The Parallels Between Narcissistic Abuse and Nicotine Addiction

To better understand this cycle, let’s compare it to substance addiction—specifically nicotine addiction, as I have personally quit smoking and noticed many similarities. In Stop Smoking Now by Allen Carr, the author explains how nicotine addiction is 99% mental and 1% physical.

Quitting smoking follows a pattern much like leaving a narcissist. The moment you put out your last cigarette, a strong urge resurfaces, accompanied by nostalgia, insecurity, and the illusion that cigarettes provide benefits. Similarly, leaving a toxic relationship leads to intense cravings and cognitive dissonance. The quick fix or supply? A source of nicotine. Just as a smoker falsely believes cigarettes enhance their life, a victim of narcissistic abuse may believe the abuser ever loved them or that they won’t find love again. Both beliefs are delusional and rooted in manipulation which generates supply.

Now the last and most important - the skeleton of toxic dynamics:

The Karpman Drama Triangle

The Karpman Drama Triangle is a psychological model that explains dysfunctional social interactions and conflict dynamics. It involves three roles:

The Victim – Feels powerless, helpless, and often looks for someone to rescue them. They may believe they have no control over their circumstances and seek validation for their suffering.

The Rescuer – Steps in to "save" the Victim, often out of a need to feel needed. However, by helping too much, they reinforce the Victim’s helplessness rather than empowering them.

The Persecutor – Criticizes, controls, or blames others, making the Victim feel small and dependent. They maintain their position by exerting authority, often in a demeaning way.

How the Cycle Works:

The Victim feels oppressed and seeks help.

The Rescuer jumps in to "fix" things, feeling important in the process.

The Persecutor may blame the Victim or even turn against the Rescuer.

Over time, roles shift—Rescuers can become Victims, Victims can become Persecutors, and the cycle repeats.

Each role in the Karpman Drama Triangle gains their "supply" (emotional fulfillment, validation, or control) in different ways:

Victim's Supply:

Gains attention and sympathy from the Rescuer.

Avoids responsibility by shifting blame onto the Persecutor.

Receives validation for their suffering, reinforcing their helplessness.

Rescuer's Supply:

Feels needed and important by "saving" the Victim.

Gains a sense of purpose and superiority.

Avoids facing their own problems by focusing on "fixing" others.

Persecutor's Supply:

Gains power and control over the Victim.

Feels superior by criticizing or punishing others.

Justifies their actions by believing they are enforcing "justice" or "discipline."

Since the roles often shift, each participant continues the cycle, feeding into their emotional needs in an unhealthy way.

Breaking Free and Recovering

How can you effectively leave and recover from narcissistic abuse? The key lies in understanding that your dependency on the narcissist is not love, but an addiction. Here are three crucial steps to healing:

1. Regulate Your Emotions

Upon leaving a toxic relationship, your emotions will likely be unbalanced. You may struggle with emotional intelligence or even identifying your feelings. Learning to regulate your emotions will help you manage the trauma bond.

2. Dismantle the Shared Fantasy

The version of the narcissist you fell for was a carefully constructed illusion, based on their deceit and role-playing. You must recognize that you were manipulated and exploited—whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise. Acknowledge that they are incapable of genuine love and completely lack empathy. Once you see their true nature, you can begin to dismantle the false reality they created.

3. Rebuild Yourself from the Ground Up

To endure the mistreatment of a narcissist, you were likely conditioned to tolerate such dynamics in childhood—often by a primary caregiver. Individuals who struggle with co-dependency or CPTSD are at higher risk of entering abusive relationships. Recovery involves therapy, addressing childhood trauma, reducing co-dependent behaviors, and ultimately rediscovering your passions and identity. This is your opportunity to create a life that brings you fulfillment and joy.

Final Thoughts

Breaking free from a narcissist is not just about leaving—it’s about staying away and healing fully. Like addiction recovery, it requires deep self-awareness, emotional regulation, and reprogramming your beliefs. Understanding that the narcissist never truly loved you and that their presence in your life was purely self-serving is crucial to your healing journey. By taking control of your emotional well-being and committing to personal growth, you can ensure that you never fall into the trap of narcissistic abuse again.

You are not alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve a life free from toxic cycles.

Why do I go back to the narcissist?: Understanding the Addiction

Leaving a narcissist is often one of the most difficult decisions a person can make. You finally recognize their intentional harm—whether through infidelity, emotional manipulation, or financial deceit. Despite their broken promises, you choose to walk away for good. However, this decision is accompanied by a whirlwind of negative emotions, sometimes even manifesting as physical pain. You find yourself reminiscing about the good times, questioning their character, and ultimately, reconnecting with them just to ease the agony—only to restart the cycle. Why do we return to a narcissist despite knowing their abusive nature? Understanding the answer to this question is crucial, and today, I will share my insights.

A Personal Journey of Healing

Greetings and welcome to my inaugural article on narcissistic abusive relationships. I have launched this project out of a profound sense of responsibility to share the insights I have gathered during my healing journey over the past few years. Through this platform, I aim to provide an understanding of toxic relationship dynamics, share therapeutic insights, and offer strategies for permanently breaking free from narcissistic abuse. My goal is to equip you with the tools necessary to identify toxic individuals early and prevent re-entering abusive relationships. I will be publishing articles on various topics, as well as exercises and mental well-being tips. You can also email me at stories@toxicdynamics.com to share your experiences. I will create future analyses based on these stories to help you and others better understand and navigate similar situations. This service is completely free and confidential, including future courses and exercises I plan to develop.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse: Why We Stay

Why do we remain with a narcissist even when we fully understand the reality? To put it differently, what attracts us to abusive partners? Today, I will share my personal experience to explain what truly occurs when you attempt to leave and why addiction plays a crucial role in this dynamic.

Leaving a toxic person is akin to a journey from point A to point B. As soon as you exit the relationship, you experience an overwhelming urge accompanied by feelings of abandonment, anxiety, and a fear of never finding love again. This urge is intensified due to a trauma bond—an emotional addiction to the abusive cycle of love and hate. You struggle with cognitive dissonance, holding two opposing beliefs at the same time: They love me, they hate me. Your idealized view of the relationship is based on the narcissist’s manipulation, creating what is known as the "shared fantasy space."

In these moments of distress, your brain seeks a solution or its supply. You feel confused, stressed, and in pain. It recognizes that reconnecting with the narcissist will bring immediate relief. Contacting them, whether through calls, messages, stalking their social media, or unblocking them, momentarily alleviates your withdrawal pangs. This cycle continues until you finally break free.

The Parallels Between Narcissistic Abuse and Nicotine Addiction

To better understand this cycle, let’s compare it to substance addiction—specifically nicotine addiction, as I have personally quit smoking and noticed many similarities. In Stop Smoking Now by Allen Carr, the author explains how nicotine addiction is 99% mental and 1% physical.

Quitting smoking follows a pattern much like leaving a narcissist. The moment you put out your last cigarette, a strong urge resurfaces, accompanied by nostalgia, insecurity, and the illusion that cigarettes provide benefits. Similarly, leaving a toxic relationship leads to intense cravings and cognitive dissonance. The quick fix or supply? A source of nicotine. Just as a smoker falsely believes cigarettes enhance their life, a victim of narcissistic abuse may believe the abuser ever loved them or that they won’t find love again. Both beliefs are delusional and rooted in manipulation which generates supply.

Now the last and most important - the skeleton of toxic dynamics:

The Karpman Drama Triangle

The Karpman Drama Triangle is a psychological model that explains dysfunctional social interactions and conflict dynamics. It involves three roles:

The Victim – Feels powerless, helpless, and often looks for someone to rescue them. They may believe they have no control over their circumstances and seek validation for their suffering.

The Rescuer – Steps in to "save" the Victim, often out of a need to feel needed. However, by helping too much, they reinforce the Victim’s helplessness rather than empowering them.

The Persecutor – Criticizes, controls, or blames others, making the Victim feel small and dependent. They maintain their position by exerting authority, often in a demeaning way.

How the Cycle Works:

The Victim feels oppressed and seeks help.

The Rescuer jumps in to "fix" things, feeling important in the process.

The Persecutor may blame the Victim or even turn against the Rescuer.

Over time, roles shift—Rescuers can become Victims, Victims can become Persecutors, and the cycle repeats.

Each role in the Karpman Drama Triangle gains their "supply" (emotional fulfillment, validation, or control) in different ways:

Victim's Supply:
- Gains attention and sympathy from the Rescuer.
- Avoids responsibility by shifting blame onto the Persecutor.
- Receives validation for their suffering, reinforcing their helplessness.
Rescuer's Supply:
- Feels needed and important by "saving" the Victim.
- Gains a sense of purpose and superiority.
- Avoids facing their own problems by focusing on "fixing" others.
Persecutor's Supply:
- Gains power and control over the Victim.
- Feels superior by criticizing or punishing others.
- Justifies their actions by believing they are enforcing "justice" or "discipline."

Since the roles often shift, each participant continues the cycle, feeding into their emotional needs in an unhealthy way.

Breaking Free and Recovering

How can you effectively leave and recover from narcissistic abuse? The key lies in understanding that your dependency on the narcissist is not love, but an addiction. Here are three crucial steps to healing:

1. Regulate Your Emotions

Upon leaving a toxic relationship, your emotions will likely be unbalanced. You may struggle with emotional intelligence or even identifying your feelings. Learning to regulate your emotions will help you manage the trauma bond.

2. Dismantle the Shared Fantasy

The version of the narcissist you fell for was a carefully constructed illusion, based on their deceit and role-playing. You must recognize that you were manipulated and exploited—whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise. Acknowledge that they are incapable of genuine love and completely lack empathy. Once you see their true nature, you can begin to dismantle the false reality they created.

3. Rebuild Yourself from the Ground Up

To endure the mistreatment of a narcissist, you were likely conditioned to tolerate such dynamics in childhood—often by a primary caregiver. Individuals who struggle with co-dependency or CPTSD are at higher risk of entering abusive relationships. Recovery involves therapy, addressing childhood trauma, reducing co-dependent behaviors, and ultimately rediscovering your passions and identity. This is your opportunity to create a life that brings you fulfillment and joy.

Final Thoughts

Breaking free from a narcissist is not just about leaving—it’s about staying away and healing fully. Like addiction recovery, it requires deep self-awareness, emotional regulation, and reprogramming your beliefs. Understanding that the narcissist never truly loved you and that their presence in your life was purely self-serving is crucial to your healing journey. By taking control of your emotional well-being and committing to personal growth, you can ensure that you never fall into the trap of narcissistic abuse again.

You are not alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve a life free from toxic cycles.