Did the narcissist ever loved me?

Ladies and gentlemen hello and welcome to this article on the topic of Narcissism. Today we will answer the question: Did the narcissist ever loved me?

I see people asking this question a lot on narcissistic abuse survivors groups, forums on Reddit and Quora and I remember being there myself. If you’re in a relationship with someone you suspect to have narcissistic personality disorder, during the relationship and even long after leaving this question will lurk at the back of your head and no answer seems to be satisfactory enough because of the tug of war that is happening in our minds: The cognitive dissonance that forms from the two contradictory versions of the abuser that we encountered during the relationship, on one hand you have the idealisation phase often referred to as the lovebombing phase and the times when everything seemed perfect. On the other hand you have the abuser, that seems to deliberately hurt you.

Today i will help you answer this question, by the end of reading this article, you will have a better understanding of what really happened to you inside of the narcissistic abusive relationship and what really were the “good times” with the narcissist.

A Shift in Perspective

I will start by sharing one of my favorite quotes: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” Dr. Wayne Dyer. I applied this principle a lot in my life. I tend to look at problems or questions from different angles, ask or search for different perspectives until i find an answer or solution that is satisfactory enough for me, and then i use logic and reason to make sure it matches with facts and reality so in this article i will take a different approach. I will help answer this questions on your own.

What Does Love Look Like?

First, let’s ask the question: How do you treat someone you love? We can all agree that behind every action you take or word you say its the intent of making the other person feel loved, happy and respected. You give to them in every way and expect nothing in return, that is what true, authentic love is about. An issue that co-dependents have is they do not watch what they get in return and they compromise on their every need to fulfil the other person needs and this makes them easy prey for exploiters.

What Made You Doubt?

Let’s ask another question: What did they do that made you question their love? If you believe they were a narcissist then you probably went through a lot of abuse: Did they treat you with a total lack of empathy? Did they leverage your love against you? Are they projecting what they do on you? Are they constantly manipulating you into feeling guilt for their actions? Did they cheat on you? Do they constantly lie and gaslight you? Did they steal from you? If you experience any or all of the above, this is abuse, and the intent behind this is to make you feel pain and confusion. Would you abuse someone you love? Some of you reading this article could not comprehend abusing someone you hate! Never mind somebody you love.

Abuse and “Good Times”

There cannot be love if there is abuse and vice versa but I understand why you may still be confused. We seen the person that is abusing us, showering us with something we perceived as love, there were times when everything seemed perfect they seem to switch from abuse to love… NO, The begging and the “good times” are not even close to love, it is still abuse in a different form, the intent is to manipulate you to get whatever they need from you, it is goal orientated and I will explain you in a few words as simple as I can what really happened to you in the beginning and why you associated that with love.

In the first few weeks, months of the relationship, the narcissist decides you have something they want, that can be: they can use you in some way: status, sex, money, a place to stay, supply in form of emotions and so on, once they decided that, they cannot come forward and say: look Jessica or Bob, I do not really like you but I want this from you and you will give me this regardless of the abuse I put you through in order to make myself feel important. I have no accountability for my actions and i will blame you for them but you will stay in my life because I really want this from you. You will get the privilege my abuse until I get bored and hate you enough to toss you a side like an empty bottle.

What they do instead? They will scan you of desires pleasures and dreams, they will create a character, they will write a script in their heads and perform like an actor plays a role in a movie, they will say they share the same values with you, they will say they want the same things, they will do everything you like, however you like whenever you like, and they will watch for positive reactions and constantly refine this character until their predatory senses tells them that you are hooked, then start abusing you and in between period of abuse you will still see this character from time to time, never in the same intensity as in the beginning and it is performed just to keep you hooked.

The Addiction Cycle

This feeds into your fantasy of an ideal partner and even though your instinct tells you something is wrong, you choose to enter this matrix and believe it as reality, then during the relationships your brain is conditioned to put up with the abuse so you can get “the fix” like a drug addiction. Whenever they play the role they played in the beginning you receive your fix. Overtime this combined with gaslighting and abuse has a massive impact on your emotional , mental and physical health as your ability to differ reality from fantasy is hijacked.

The Truth

Well I think this is enough for you to understand what really happened and to understand that they never loved you. I am sorry you are going through this, they never loved you, they wanted something from you and their actions shows that they are doing everything they possibly can to show you how much they hate you on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.

A Challenge for You

For those of you that took the time to read this article until the end, I have a challenge for you: Ask yourself the following question: What made me put up with all this and associate it with love? You will find the answer in your childhood and I believe this is where true healing begins. You are conditioned to play this dynamic in interpersonal relationships because of your very first relationships.

That is everything for today's article, please email me with any question or feedback to contact@toxicdynamics.com, Until next time I wish you all the best!